For long I've been going back and forth, not quite sure whether to post this or not. Opening up, means being vulnerable, I'm not strong enough to be vulnerable right now, but I've never been one to shut my mouth either. I have zero poker face. You will know, you will know long before I even open my mouth. So consider this my terrible poker face.
This year has truly been a learning curve for me. A steep learning curve that came with heartache. I was in a relationship for a good part of the year when I was in Australia. Now I hear you thinking 'why oh why', actually let me rephrase this - 'don't get yourself an australian boyfriend' was the running joke before I left. How did they know?! Maybe I wanted to prove them all wrong, who knows ;)
The heart is one selfish organ. It very often breaks the rules, ignores advice & runs wild. Mine is particularly feisty, a true wild spirit.
Now I don't know where to begin, I won't go into details, because when it comes down to it details are irrelevant. I fell in love, I moved in, I opened my heart, I was us. Fast forward to November, a one-way plane ticket in hand, 2 heavy suitcases and a heavier heart. There were a lot of tears, a lot of questions asked, a lot of soul-searching, scratching my brains out - where did I go wrong? what could have I done better? what now?
One day you're a team, the next you're sitting alone on a cold airport bench. The transition is the hardest. I am still trying to figure it all out. It takes time they say. I wish I could find the 'off' button, you know the one that stops the pain and ejects you on the bright side on a fluffy pink candy floss cloud? I guess time will have to do.. and it does. It gets better, day after day, week after week.
We're good you know. We left as friends. Which makes it hard. In some ways it makes things even more confusing, but it also makes it all more beautiful. No hard feelings. Just love.
Bali was a real blessing and probably the best thing I could have done in those circumstances. I was in heaven with my very own kick-ass support system, in the form of 4 incredible women. Then came India where I met my mum - I wasn't the best travel companion I could have been, sorry Maman! India with a broken heart intensifies the whole experience. All you want is comfort, routine and familiarity, well you quite simply have none of those things for a while which toughens you up, makes you put everything into perspective. The kind where you give yourself a pep talk like 'that's enough Tania, you get it together now !' You know the ones. It was a dreamy month of discoveries and adventure, one that I will never forget.
It's still hard to look back and learn from it all, but I already know I am taking back so much from this year away, not only from my relationship, but from a personal point of view, I mean I did it for goodness sake. I packed my suitcase and just did it. I created a life for myself, I met some of the best people I know, I discovered a little piece of paradise and that's something. That's everything.
For all of you out there who are dreaming up plans of moving abroad for a year, quitting that job, taking risks, starting that new project, pushing your limits outside of your comfort zone. Just DO IT. Do it for the right reasons, do it for yourself. It might not be puppies & butterflies every day, it might even be hard for a little while, scary, oh scared you will be, but is it worth it? HELL YES.
I wouldn't change one little thing. Even though I have tears running down my face at this very moment. I wouldn't. I'm good you know. I've been better, sure, but I'm doing just fine. I'm better than I was a month ago, better than I was yesterday even. I am excited about life, excited to start a new chapter, blank page full of possibilities. I am ready to move on.
Matters of the heart are beautiful, intense, scary, exciting and confusing, overwhelming at times, but they mean everything. They are everything worth living for. Love is everything.
